A beginner’s guide to BDSM
For a lot of people, BDSM remains a foreign concept with many struggling to understand what it entails. Still, there is still a lot of curiosity as to what it means and how it is done. So here is all you need to know about BDSM.
You have heard and read about BDSM. You see social media vendors advertising BDSM wearables and toys. Your partner has dropped several hints on how they want to be taken in bed, but you pretend to be unaware. You want to step out of your sexual comfort zone because it has genuinely gotten boring. You’re curious as to how to engage in kinky sex, but you’re worried you will mess it all up.
Take a deep breath! You have nothing to worry about. Here’s your guide to the art of BDSM:
BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. The term BDSM covers the different sexual acts that involve restraint, some level of pain, role-play, fantasy and consent. To fully understand BDSM, you must know these terms, roles and elements. More importantly, you must engage in informed discussions with your partner and get their verbal consent after they have clarified their level of knowledge on the subject.
Bondage and Discipline: Bondage is a form of erotic play where one partner is physically restrained either by cuffing them to the bed, tying their wrists, blindfolding them or any other mild form of constraint. Discipline, on the other hand, can involve spanking, kneeling, begging or any other form of punishment that gets your partner to behave in a manner you specify.
Dominant and Submissive: The two partners involved in BDSM will take on the role of Dominant or Submissive and can switch as they please. It is usually more likely for the man to play the role of Dom, but some women prefer to be the Dominant partner. The Submissive, known as Sub, is the one who surrenders control to the Dom and allows himself/herself to be on the receiving end of the control.
Sadism and Masochism: These two concepts centre on the gratification and enjoyment that comes from inflicting pain (sadism) and receiving pain (masochism). Mild spanking and whipping are some ways pain can be inflicted on your partner.
Safewords: One of the crucial components of BDSM is the use of safewords. These must have been discussed, picked and mastered before the act begins so that your partner is familiar with your request once they cross the line. BDSM can be intense and your partner can push your limits, but safewords help you halt the act immediately. The most common safe words are traffic light colours. Red is used when you get very uncomfortable and need to withdraw consent, yellow is for when you’re enjoying what they’re doing to you but you need them to slow it down, and green is for when you derive pleasure from the act and you want it to continue.
Toys and accessories: While BDSM can be enjoyed in the absence of physical objects, the experience is typically enhanced when they come into play. Ropes, blindfolds, handcuffs, floggers, massage candles and other types of harnesses are fun to use during sex. It’s best to choose with your partner and make sure to purchase items that are kind to the skin.
Mutual consent: Communication is important in sexual relationships and the need for informed, verbal consent cannot be overemphasized. Consent must be preceded by a clear and coherent conversation where both parties must have discussed the elements mentioned above and their threshold for pain. When the act is done, it is also necessary to check in with your partner to know if they are satisfied or hurt.
You may not achieve a heightened state of pleasure on the first try but the more you and your partner get into BDSM, the easier and pleasurable it gets. The top priority is to have safe and healthy fun.
