There are still many close-minded people, but there are also open-minded ones. When it comes to sex, several studies have shown that heterosexual women are at the bottom of the ladder when it comes to raking in orgasms- the men they are having sex with at the top, pun unintended.
I think we can all figure out why. Heterosexuality is the pudding and the proof is in it. This sad, sad reality made me think about what sex must be like for lesbian women, fun fact: it’s better. It also made me think about the differences between sex with a man and with a woman, which prompted me to talk to bisexual and pansexual individuals, to get an insight into said differences.
The first story is from a 23-year-old bisexual woman, and as she describes her experiences, you can tell the differences between her interaction with the respective genders. This is her story:
With a woman.
I had this coursemate I had been friends with since 100 level. She was really pretty and funny and we hung out all the time. We had so many inside jokes. I fell in love with her but I never told her. I was still trying to be straight. She used to act out when I left her to hang out with guys. She would tell me they were trash or whatever. I thought she was just looking out for me. It was actually like a movie when I realised that she might actually like me too. I got my heart broken and she was there for me and we just became so much closer. We'd hug for too long, do each other's makeup and sleep in the same bed. She used to ‘playfully’ kiss me on the mouth a lot. One day, my roommate wasn't around and we were watching a movie. She joked that we should make out and I said ok. I was surprised when she actually locked the door. It happened so fast because it felt so natural. We had sex. It was so scary. We tried not to make a sound cos we were scared of getting caught. When we were done, she just got up quietly and left. She started to distance herself from me. She still got jealous at me being with guys. We still hadn't talked about what happened that day. When I brought it up, she said it was just something she wanted to try and she wasn't actually gay or bi. That she just needed to get it out of her system. I was hurt because I actually loved her and I felt used. I never got involved with a girl again. It wasn’t because of this though. I just didn't meet any girl I wanted the way I wanted her until I got into my current relationship. Sex with her was very intimate. With her, it felt natural. Everything happened automatically. There were no boundaries to push through. It just happened. We did it in total silence because somehow we just knew what to do.
With men, I kind of have to mentally prepare myself, and I'm very bossy. I tell them what to do, I never assume they know. With my current boyfriend, of course, it's very natural, things flow. I think it's just an intimacy thing. At least, with me.
With a man.
I met this guy in school when I had just transferred. He was cute and tall and very immature but I didn't care because I was horny. As with most of my relationships with guys, I made the first move and told him I wanted to have sex with him. So we did. At the time, I had a boyfriend that wasn't serious. My affair with this guy lasted for two relationships. I thought I was in love with him but I was just scared of being alone and he was mostly at my beck and call. I wanted to date him but he didn't want to be in a relationship so I told him I didn't want him to be with anyone else and he agreed. The relationship was mostly sexual because he wasn't really on my wavelength with most things. I found out through his sister that he had lied to me about his age among other things and I cut him off emotionally. We kept having sex until he travelled. While he was gone, I had a fling with my current boyfriend. When he came back, he wanted us to continue where we stopped but I ended things and told him I met someone else. He was angry with me but still tried to maintain a friendship. It didn't work out because as I was no longer sleeping with him, he just seemed kind of pointless to me. I don't feel guilty about this.
The second story by another 24-year old bisexual (female) who has neither the time or patience for the antics of men.
So with women. It is usually much more intimate. You get soft kisses and laughs and women want you to get as much pleasure as they are getting. My first orgasm was with a woman anyway, I didn’t even know I could feel those things until she touched me that way. She asked questions, asked for permission to do this or that, and ultimately she knew my body really well. It was glorious.
Now, with men. One experience that stands out is my first time. It just hurt and hurt and he didn’t care much about making me enjoy even the smallest part of it. Once he came, that was all. Also, you have do teach men what to do with your body, and most of them still don’t get it.
For this 25-year old pansexual man, it’s all about the feelings (here, we can insert the article on demisexuality), and that dictates how the experience will go (or has been) for him.
First time I liked a guy, I was 12 going on 13 when I was in boarding school, and I couldn’t understand it because I felt the same way with a girl. I thought it would be different, but it wasn’t: it was pure feelings, and also physical attraction: I was into him. We made out and had secret cuddles on Saturdays when everyone went to play football next door. Though I haven’t had sex with a man yet, I’ve had foreplay, and for me, the sexual parts feel slightly more intimate, almost like the person understands you and they understand how your body works.
Intimacy with women was different, it felt like a pulling attraction. Almost like gravity. The most memorable experience with a woman for me has to be my last ex. She was the first woman I loved. The sex was phenomenal and she was a gem but had some trouble reconciling LGBTQ with her religious beliefs.
Another (24-year old) pansexual man says that the experiences aren’t any better or worse than each other, just different.
I think sex between different genders is not better or worse, just different. Typically, in a heteronormative situation, I’m expected to do the chasing, play the role of a male, essentially, so you have to do most of the work because a lot of women still operate under purity culture.
Women are great. I think I personally prefer women but things just set you up to have bad sex most of the time. There's a lot of anxiety so it usually takes a few times to figure out each other or even get comfortable enough to enjoy things on a certain level. These seem like small things but for example, men are typically more comfortable with their bodies than women are. You don't know how often something as simple as getting naked for sex can dampen the mood. So I’ll tell you about two separate experiences with two different women.
First one was with this person that was all about power and I wasn’t into that. I’m not into power-play, I hate it, and that was made it bad for me. This person had this power dynamic thing in their head and so it reflected into sex with them. It was hectic because we would be right in the middle of something and they would get up and say it felt too good and they didn’t want to cum, because they didn’t want me to feel like I conquered them. It was not a Dom-sub situation. I finally realised that this person was totally unconcerned about whether there was any pleasure for me, they just wanted to be in control and that was a complete turn-off.
The second one was intense and just really good. I met this person at a party, I just wanted to get drunk, get high, just have fun. There was a pool, I swam for a bit, and after I got out, and this girl came and sat with me and so we started dancing and it got really hot and people noticed and left us alone. We went to her room, and every other room and made out everywhere. It was one of the longest sex I’ve ever had, and it was really good because we went from like 12 am till 7 am. I’m not even sure I remember her name, but it was the best because she was really into it and most of the pleasure I get from sex is seeing the pleasure I’m giving my partner. I think what made it so great was how uninhibited it was, and also we weren’t performing anything.
With other people(pansexuals, bisexual men), you see how quickly the gender roles are discarded, and you’re just two people who want to be together, it’s a bit more human in that sense.
So this man messaged me one time if I could share a picture I had posted with him privately. We follow each other online so it didn't seem too weird. He then texted back that he was shooting his shot with me so he doesn't know if he has a chance.
I was open to being friends but sceptical about anything else cos I was still discovering myself and I didn't want to drag anyone along. He didn't mind though, and one day I was having a really bad day, we got together for drinks. I had to drink a lot- I was trying to get my nerves together because I wanted to actually do stuff with him. We drank and made out. We didn't have "sex" but it was special because we were just too people getting to know each other and there weren’t any pressures like that. It didn't feel performative and I felt centred through most of it.
I had a few preconceived notions about what sex is like with men and women for pansexual and bisexual individuals who have had intercourse with a few genders but talking to these people has dissolved that to an extent. Now, we can see that sex for some people is better with a genuine connection, be it physical, emotional, or both. It also (hopefully) shows the difference in sexual behaviour and beliefs of different genders and individuals.
Also Read - Navigating sex with a new partner