What is Demisexuality?

By Tobi Afolabi Tuesday, May 26, 2020 - 00:07
Sexuality is diverse as humans are and some Nigerians have used the term Demisexual to self identify. So what is demisexuality? It is when a person is sexually attracted to someone they share a strong emotional connection with.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be love or even romantic feelings; any emotional connection is enough but imperative for demisexuals to feel any sort of sexual attraction to another person. There’s a lot of speculation that being demisexual is a sexual orientation and is close to being pansexual. However, that theory might not be plausible because someone who is straight, bisexual or pansexual can be demisexual. If a bisexual person is demisexual, they have to have feelings for either a man or a woman before they can feel sexual attraction to them, but a bisexual who isn’t demisexual can have sex with anyone even without an emotional connection. The same goes for a person who identifies as straight or pansexual. So demisexuality is spread over all of the sexual orientations and is not limited to one. It is really about a person’s emotional attachments being closely knitted with their sexuality. 

I had a brief chat with a pansexual woman who also identifies as demisexual and she gives a little insight into what it entails for her.


Can you(for the sake of our readers) tell us what you think being demisexual is?

Being Demisexual to me means establishing an emotional connection with someone before being sexually attracted to them.


There’s speculation that being demisexual might be or should be a part of the LGBTQ community. What do you think about this?

Well, I do not think the term- Demisexual should be a part of the LGBTQ+ community because it is not a sexual orientation. However, there is a conversation to be had about inclusion, because how do we determine what's asexuality and what is just "emotions".


What do you know about asexuality? Do you think that demisexuality is part of the spectrum of being ace?

Honestly, I don't know much about asexuality, I do know that it is based on not having sexual attraction. Demisexuality to me should not be in that spectrum.


When did you first come across the term/idea/concept?

When I was 21, I realised that sex felt a bit rigid for me, and at first I thought something was wrong with me, turns out I wasn't just enjoying sex because I wasn't emotionally connected with the person I was sleeping with anymore, even though I loved him and was in a relationship with him.


Is there any experience in particular that clinched it for you and made you realize that you might be/are demisexual?

Yes, I had a sexual experience that felt more emotional than physical, it was then I knew. I was in a committed relationship that I had emotionally detached from when I met this man who I immediately connected with through music, we spent the best time together and had amazing conversations and sex. It was truly beautiful.


You identify as pansexual. How does that relate to being Demi?

Honestly, they are very similar, I think pansexual is a more appropriate term for me because of the inclusion of all genders.


Has realising that you are demisexual affected your relationship with significant others in any way?

Well, I was in a committed relationship for 2+ years, and at some point, the sex because mechanical. This was because the emotional connection had worn out. It wasn't the reason we split, but it had a part to play.


Any particular experience you don’t mind sharing with us?

None that I can think of right now.


How will you use this to navigate future relationships?

I will be more conscious of my emotions, and always evaluate everything I feel before going into any future relationships.

Do you have more questions about demisexuality? Drop them below or reach out to our Moderators on our Facebook Page.

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